I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
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