So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
