I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
