Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
