K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
