Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Drake has all the answers
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
