Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
