And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
