I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
