I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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