Dude my mom stole all your condoms
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
