So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
