I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
