Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
