You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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