tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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