what day is it and did you see me today?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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