Little spoons don't ask big questions
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize