he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
