Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
