How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
