if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
