im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize