the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
