Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize