The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
