and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
