she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
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