It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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