As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
