i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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