Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
