I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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