I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
