Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
