the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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