The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
