I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
