you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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