The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
