This girl is more easily done than said...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
