awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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