Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
