You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
