So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
