mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
