Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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