I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
