I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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