Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Randomize
