I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
