Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
