Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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