Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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