I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
