the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
It was confusing and full of hummus
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
