i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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