my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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