I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
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