When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
