What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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