I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
