I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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