would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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