If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
