Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
ugly people sure do ruin things
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
